Ben: drunk JT: surprised Ellie: queezy
It's true to say that JT looks completely different without his glasses, it shows off his receding hairline more.
One of our more rigourous days out... at eight thousand feet, all that trekking made everyone tired. So we stopped for some fresh air. After all, sitting on a bus all morning had made our arses really numb.
Spot the tourist competition:
tenerife@thejackdaw.com
This is Carlos. He's from Barcelona. Works at the Parque Americas pool bar. Here he demonstrates the fact that he can juggle full bottles. Carlos is the kind of barman you can go up to and say "Carlos give me a free shot." and he'll poor you out a mixture of Schnapps, vodka, tequila, malibu, blue bols... whatever's closest. He'll always be remembered for repeatedly saying "Fucking hell" in an amusing, Spanish accent.
Emma finishes the night off with a very uncomfortable sleeping position. And once again those Pringles make an appearance (It's as if we were sponsored by those savoury snacks... Mmm... Once you pop, you can't stop.
Following on from the invention of Charps, Andy perfected currarps, pringarps, bolognarps, eggarps and McDonarps... here we see him demonstrating the power of an 'arp to the girls.
Endless nights of consistently failing to pull started to get to ol' Moley. That's why he turned to masturbation...
Come sunset you could see for miles. In the background there's Las Palmas. There was also Le Hierra to the right and Gran Canaria to the left. Apparently it's very rare to be able to see all three islands at the same time. Weren't we the lucky ones...
The Beach at Americas was undergoing a bit of building work while we were there. Well, it was quite a huge renovation project really. Still, we managed to find one stretch of sand with pedalos, jetskis and mostly-naked bodies.
Within the first 24 hours of being in Tenerife, Ben managed to get himself stung by a jellyfish - and then develop a severe case of sunburn (Though not as bad as Andy who had maroon coloured legs for most of week one). When we got back from the beach we discovered that MThreeW's newest, most expensive camera had disappeared from THE upstairs, fully locked flat. We CLEANed ovER the flat incase we misTOOK IT for being somewhere else. So that resulted in numerous trips to the police station. And all on Ellie's 20th. After the whole Twin Tower thing of last year, Ellie's due a half decent birthday - never mind, maybe September the 11th will be incident free in 2003.
Rush N Paddy's
Let me out!
Well, we thought the MThreeW lads done such a great job destroying Majorca, it was only fair to send them away yet again, this time with a group of girls, to somewhere warmer, busier and mankier. September 2002 was the time... Andy, Emily, Ben, Emma, Mole, Webble, JT and Ellie were their names. Playa de las Americas has a reputation for being the clubbers' choice on the Canaries and you can't doubt that. We stayed on Veronica's Strip, that's 250 bars, clubs and restaurants all next to one another. The only problem is the centre's teaming with pickpockets, looky-looky men and prozzies. Not the best place to take your family... unless you're part of the MThreeW family. Once again, we hit that town in a way it's never been hit before. Hope you enjoy our photos... just bear in mind that we managed to break FIVE of our cameras, plus a camcorder was stolen, nevertheless we've got some impressive snaps.
Another one of our infamous day trips... The Booze Cruise promised free food and drink throughout the journey. However, the 'food' could only be described as a cat food sausage roll with salad. Luckily for the catarmaran owners the drink, which included Dorada and (purple) Sangria was free, or there would have been serious trouble. It was a very nice boat ride until you needed to use the facilities... because the one and only toilet for 100 people to use for 3 hours was blocked. Ben and Andy came up with the idea of pissing in the sea. An idea they didn't let on until we were on the plane home. And there was us wondering why the sea was so warm, but only in some places.
The Decades themed club. If you like cheesy music, you'll love Decades. They play hits from the Beatles, through to Abba and modern day cheese... both Hayley and Moley were in their element. The host, although living life as a he-she, collects money for disabled kids to have a holiday in the Canaries. You get free drink, free food and free drink and I can guarantee you won't remember anything about it. We shared our table with some Norfolk lasses and some Scottish fellas. There were 12 of us in total, and we were getting through jugs of Sangria every two minutes. It would have been quicker to hook it into our veins. Would of done less damage as well.
Day One really set a theme for the holiday. Our first quest was to find people called Simon, after JT spotted a gathering of huge containers next to the runway at Bristol Airport. On the side of these huge vats were the words "Simon Storage". We were hoping to find at least one Simon who we could bring back to Bristol to put in these giant storage tanks. Somehow we figured that they were full of Simon's anyway so a couple more wouldn't hurt. Sadly, we never found a single Simon.
Endless nights of consistently failing to pull started to get to ol' Moley. That's why he turned into the leader of a boyband.
One Love... for the mother's pride...
JT seemed to think that foul smelling farts were normal when you'd eaten chicken. Even though it's fair to say that different foods effect different people, JT's guffs particularly ranked of nuclear waste around 12 hours after eating poultry. These quickly became known as Charps (or Chicken Parps) and this set off a whole new line of fart fragranced words. You can get Eggarps from eating eggs, Currarps from curry and Shitarps when you follow through.
But when we'd got the charps joke up and running, we then moved on to other gases. It all started when somebody (probably JT again) came out with a Bolurp. That is a belch directly after eating bolognese. Once again a whole string of new words inveloped. Doradurps from drinking the local brew, Dorado, Pringarps even though we reckon it's physically impossible for one Pringle to make you burp. There were also some Sickarps but we don't wanna go there.
We stayed in the Parque las Americas Apartments. Right on the edge of Veronica's Strip so it was in a prestige location. Shame the buildings themselves were absolute wank. You could see concrete cancer wherever you looked. There was a hole outside our ground floor apartment with a clear 10 foot drop to the cellar. The swimming pool was often surrounded by glass. We even preferred eating at McDonalds than the restaurant which was on the complex, and that's saying something. One good point was Carlos who runs the pool bar. More on him later.
Ben finishes the night off with a nice Spanish cigar, alcohol mixed with orange juice and some Pringles (whatever the yellow flavour is - is it Paprika?)
And before you ask we can't explain why Mole looks so ridiculous, but it might have something to do with the fact he's drinking Dorada through a straw.
The most unrememberable part of week one was one night in Paddy's. They have a sign challenging holidaymakers to beat the Turbo Shandy record set at 6 pints by the Devon boys. A Turbo Shandy is three quarters of a pint of Dorado mixed with a Smirnoff Ice. Ells drank 2, JT and Webble managed 7 and Andy got through 10. A few karaoke songs later we made our way home. First of all Webble decided to make a Snow Angel in a flowerbed, JT then done the same in the next bed along. The flowers were still pressed down and wrecked when we left for Blighty! We later discovered these flowers were home to lizards... And some of the flowers were tiny wee cactii, which might explain the bloodstains on JT's top and the fresh scar on his back. Another feat they managed on that night was to knock over a loose road sign, pick it up and put it back in it's hole. However, on returning to the crime scene while sober they noticed the sign was set in a huge concrete block, and, although loose, couldn't be lifted.
Faa'kin Ell !
Eight brains but not much intelligence... they should have tried to walk through the door one at a time.
Giddy Goose
Leonardos
Decades
Rags
Yates
Linekers
Burger King
McDonalds
Valentinos
Drop Inn
Parque las Americas
We were here
Cocktails and Dreams
Heads and Tails
Rush n Paddy
Chinese
Paddys
KFC
Pizza Hut
Shakers
Arena
Wakiki
Drunk n Duck
Burger King
Here's our guide to some of the best and worst places to eat and get pissed on Veronica's Strip. Sorted!
These details were compiled at the end of the 2002 season. Please send updates to tenerife@thejackdaw.com
STARTING WITH THE BEST RESTAURANTS:
The Chinese
When you finally get bored of all the English restaurants, we strongly recommend you try this one, but we can't remember it's name. It's next door to Heads And Tails and has the best shot glasses in the world. Really filling food, looks posh, but has cheap prices.
The Drop Inn
This is where we spent most of our time. The Drop does fantastic breakfasts, with tonnes of other English dishes, plenty of room, loadsa different drinks, and even cabaret in the evenings. Not horribly cheap waiter has very big hands. Irrelevant I know.
Heads And Tails
A brilliant English pub with all our traditional grub on offer. The most fantasic thing about this place is that the waiter looks like he was separated from Gaffer at birth. But you're only gonna smile at that if you have a knowledge of Malmesbury's more colourful characters.
Paddy's
Only done food in the morning and early afternoon, but you can't fault what's on offer. Fantastic fry-up with drinks - the complete works, all at a ridiculous low price. Mind you, their food, as good as it is, no way rivalled the fantastic atmosphere in the pub.
KFC/Pizza Hut
Unlike the fast food chains here,KFC and Pizza Hut have come together to make a fabulous fast-food restaurant. You can order 4 drinks, 4 portions of chips, 8chicken pieces and 4 pizza slices in the same meal! But not all of us ate as much as Andy.
AND ONTO THE NOT-SO-GOOD ONES:
Rush 'N Paddy's
Don't get us wrong on this one, the RnP's a fantastic Irish pub, but we don't recommend the food. Their kitchen's not geared up to cook group meals, and the pies gave us the shits. But like I said, nice place! And their fry-
ups are pretty impressive.
McDonald's
We've got some great memories of this place, but we'll save them til later. It's a McDonalds same as any other McDonalds in the world, except the last time we went there a cockroach flew onto Ell's arm, and then ran off behind the counter.
Just like merry ol' England!
Burger King
Once again the fast food giants can be found everywhere. After midnight the restautant shuts, there's just a till, and a door. Cocktails And Dreams
I'm sure this beach-side bar is good at what it does, but don't go looking for grub here. They
take an eternity, cook them two at a time and Ben's beef lasagne didn't have any beef in it. Still, it's a good place to get cocktails and Eastenders.
Parque Las Americas
They always say the first impression's the most important. This is the first place we ate.
And we never went back. Mind you, the restaurant does fit in very well with that hellhole of a complex we stayed in, you can't fault them for that.
SO THAT'S OUR QUICKFIRE GUIDE TO SOME OF THE RESTAURANTS (REMEMBER, THIS WAS IN 2002, SEND UPDATES TO US)
HERE'S OUR FAVE FIVE DRINKING HOLES:
Paddy's
Without a doubt the best pub on the whole island. It's a teeny little place on the main promenade run by the lovely Paddy and Kathy. Spent most of our nights in there because of all the free drink, great people, fantastic atmosphere, range of cocktails, cheap drinks... even the tout's friendly.
Rush N Paddy's
Looking over the Playa Beach, giving you some fantastic scenery at dusk, this Irish themed bar has all you need... British beers on tap, loads of telly's with sport and soap on, and it's full of friendly people. Just bear in mind the DJ usually starts around half nine. You want to leave around then.
Arena
Right in the middle of Veronica's Strip, this club plays non stop cheese and classic rock, absolutely fantastic. Drinks aren't that bad and it's got a really nice feel to it with plenty of young lads and lasses who are most definitely up for it. Carlos went there once. His words were 'Faakin' Ell'"
Drunk N Duck
Really nice, traditional English pub on the other side of town. Cheap drinks with tonnes of shots to choose from. Entertainment every night and the barman used to be the guitarist in Wizard. (Ask your parents). Still, no match for the Lizard Kings. Lookie Lookie Men really ruin the place.
Shakers
Well, there's not much to say about Shakers. The floor's covered in mank. The free shots are grim, it's hot, sweaty and has to be the worst club we found. But the live music is excellent. They're called the Lizard Kings, they do rock requests and they alone make the shithole good.
AND HERE'S FIVE WE ONLY WENT TO ONCE
Wakiki
OK, we're gonna have to be honest here, once really was enough, and we didn't actually go 'In'... there wasn't room. The tout got us some drinks and we sat by the beach for half hour surrounded by ants and karaoke singers. Not very pleasant.
Leonardos
Well, what can we say. It looks nice from the outside, but when you get in you realize the place has no atmosphere, and is an absolute rip off. They have a DJ who couldn't mix an Angel Delight. The only reason we stayed is 'cos we were meeting the rep for a drink.
Valentinos
Very similar to Leonardos. It's pissing expensive, it's got no atmos. But this pub has two DJ's. And they couldn't mix an Angel Delight if one of them had a spoon and the other had a diagram. Had to leave as soon as the beer was drunk. One plus point was that it was close to our apartments.
Linekers
Let's see, this pub is world famous, it's owned by Gary Lineker, looks the business and has a mirror above the bar so you can see down women's tops. But it costs more than double the price of most other pubs on the strip. Worked out at a fiver for a bottle of Bud.
Rags
Oh dear. This pub really does live up to it's name. The music's terribly awful, the people in it our bizarre and the view is scarred by rubbish, druggies and street decay. Funny smell as well, Although that might have been a JT Charp special. They both reek of sewerage plants.
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The ladies do karaoke. This was Emma's birthday, so all the girls got seriously tarted up for a
night on the town.
Even Hayley put her best trousers on.
Paddy gets in the Champers for Emma's birthday. From the left, Mole, Emma, Ben, Hayley, Andy, Emily, JT, Ellie. And they're all drinking champagne, Dorada and Smirnoff. Bound to end in tears...
Bristol Rovers and MThreeW fans unite as their teams go to battle. (Nobody's quite sure what Jonny's looking at.)
Another one of those rare moments where Mole and Ben had one too many Turbo Shandy's. Yep, very rare moment.
The lads do karaoke in the loosest form of the word. Honestly, we need leave Paddy's Bar on occasion. Normally when we ran out of money!
To fund his addiction to alcohol and drugs, Jonny had to take a part-time job. (But seriously, doesn't it look like a Mum, Dad, Son picture? It's just Moley with Paddy and Kathy.
There was something about McDonalds in Playas, we just had this really strong urge to trash the place whenever we went in there. On one night JT, Ells, Andy and Hayley had just finished off four Big Mac Meals, apart from the Coke because they were so alcohol fuelled. All that was left, including sauce and packaging, ended up all over the floor. Another night when it was just JT and Ells, they managed to get three pints of Coke all over the upper floor, with the help of a couple of Essex girls. Apparently the other four behaved themselves, sort of.
Andy and Hayley have another bicker in the background while JT falls back, grabbing the window... or he might have his arm around a vampire...or he might of just not realised the camera has a wide lens and there's no need to lean back that far. Either way, what a gut
This was Carlos's last night. He left in the third week to go on his hols. Naturally we had to have one last set of drinks and shots with the bloke. We then found out he was going to Mexico during a hurricane. Faakin Ell!
Faa'kin Ell !
Ben had this unnatural urge to constantly sing The Blackbird Song by The Wurzels whenever drunk. On one of his first nights out, when he returned to the apartment, he started to shout the lyrics from the balcony at the top of his voice. He didn't shut up til dawn, and that's when we all realised he was bollock naked. That young'uns a right rascal!
Since this page was first published, we've had tonnes of hits from people looking for the lyrics to The Blackbird Song, so 'ere they are me lovelies!
Where be that Blackbird to?
I know where 'e be.
'E be up yon Wurzel tree an' I be a'ter 'e.
Now I zees 'E. 'E zees I
Buggered if I don't get 'un.
With a gurt big stick I'll knock 'im down,
Blackbird, I'll 'av 'e.
Na na na na na na Na na na na na na
'Ow's y' Father, Alright!
All me life I've manned the farm,
workin' for me keep.
Tendin' pigs and chickens,
And they cows and sheep.
But everywhere I'm workin',
There's one that always mocks me.
'E's 'iding somewhere in the trees,
Blackbird, I'll 'av E.
Where be that Blackbird to?
I know where 'e be.
'E be up yon Wurzel tree an' I be a'ter 'e.
Now I zees 'E. 'E zees I
Buggered if I don't get 'un.
With a gurt big stick I'll knock 'im down,
Blackbird, I'll 'av 'e.
Na na na na na na Na na na na na na
'Ow's y' Father, Alright!
Underneath the open sky
in Spring we'll hopes to dine.
We likes to 'ere the flappin' of the Missus' washin' line.
We listens to a tuneful song,
A blackbird or a tit.
But on me vest and underpants,
'E scored a direct hit.
Where be that Blackbird to?
I know where 'e be.
'E be up yon Wurzel tree an' I be a'ter 'e.
Now I zees 'E. 'E zees I
Buggered if I don't get 'un.
With a gurt big stick I'll knock 'im down,
Blackbird, I'll 'av 'e.
Na na na na na na Na na na na na na
'Ow's y' Father, Alright!
If I goes out poachin',
A-creepin' through the fields.
With me Old Retreiver,
A-following at me 'eels.
If I aim my shotgun at
a pheasant in the hay.
That bloody blackbird starts his row
and frightens 'im away
Where be that Blackbird to?
I know where 'e be.
'E be up yon Wurzel tree an' I be a'ter 'e.
Now I zees 'E. 'E zees I
Buggered if I don't get 'un.
With a gurt big stick I'll knock 'im down,
Blackbird, I'll 'av 'e.
Na na na na na na Na na na na na na
'Ow's y' Father, Alright!
No longer can I sleep at night,
get peace of any kind.
That bird'll be the death of me,
'E's prayin' on me mind.
If I chase 'im long enough,
I'll get 'im by and by.
'N celebrate me victory
with a gurt big blackbird pie
Where be that Blackbird to?
I know where 'e be.
'E be up yon Wurzel tree an' I be a'ter 'e.
Now I zees 'E. 'E zees I
Buggered if I don't get 'un.
With a gurt big stick I'll knock 'im down,
Blackbird, I'll 'av 'e.
Na na na na na na Na na na na na na
'Ow's y' Father, Alright!
(Pete Budd, Tommy Banner, Tony Baylis)
1976 Cinephonic Music Co Ltd
Available on The Finest 'Arvest Of The Wurzels Featuring Adge Cutler on the EMI Records label.
Ben gets friendly with Shrek the Rep. Don't see the resemblance myself.
The Escapades Pub Crawl: As part of the traditional pub crawl, everyone was given T-shirts, and then the reps wrote all over them. Poor sunstrikken Jonny was plastered with the words SLAP ME, I'M BURNT TO FUCK. Ben's was even worse. I'M NOT SUNBURNT BUT MY BOYFRIEND IS. The girls however got the better deal, Emily shirt read I'M MORE THAN TITS, I'VE GOT A GASH AS WELL. Emma's said I GO ALL THE WAY. Top marks to the reps, they must be psychic.
Is it just me or is Jonny holding onto the table? Maybe his stool's not big enough. It's more likely that he's pissed.
When we took a day trip up Mount Teide, several funny things happened. Our guide, who spoke an impressive amount of English, was talking us through the different volcanoes and rock formations, but to catch this bus we had to get up as most of the complex were coming home, so understandably we were a bit tired. Course, when Andy fell asleep on the way up, the entire Double Decker could hear him snoring, followed by some grunting and a profanity where he'd wake himself up. On the way back down, Andy fell asleep again, once again Snore, Grunt, Shit. I've never known a double decker full of people laugh so much ever. Good work fella.
Andy does a Bulldog.
Later that night he had a curry and all his problems were over.
Is there anywhere these two won't huddle? Makes you sick.
Still on this Teide tour, on our way back down the mountains, we pulled into a layby. Here there lies a cafe in the middle of nowhere. Of course, everyone on the bus gets off for 10 minutes to take photos, except the MThreeW Eight, who are too hungover to move. So while the bus is empty, we have a bit of a belch / fart competition. There was quite an unpleasant smell around the Andy Pike area of the bus. Never mind, I don't think anybody noticed.
According to our mountain guide, the word Wahwah is colloquial Canarian for Bus. And he insisted on calling the thing dragging us up the mountains as the Wahwah. Now, as we were all drunk from the night before, we were a bit too mashed to think this one through. But now everytime someone says Bus, we think Wahwah, we think Will Smith's Wicki Wicki Wahwah the Wild Wild West...
Guess you had to be there.
Left to right: Moley, Kerry, Zoe, Lass, Lad, Ben
Speaking of wikyi wicki wahwahs, the main bus company in the Caranies is a company called Titsa. Big green things, always very clean. So next time you're in the area and you see a Titsa, just shout TITS(a) - it's surprising how long it takes before you get bored of it. We were bringing variety into this running gag as well...
Minibus - SMALL TITSa
Two Buses - A PAIR OF TITSa
Jointed bus - BIG TITSa
We wish we took a picture of the depot, (which is by the airport if you're going that way...) On the wall is the word TITSA, 10 foot high... with a bush in front of the A. It made us laugh anyway.
Makes you sick? Not really, it's surprising how steady the Catarmaran glides through the waves.
